Friday, April 17, 2009

Why so Tense?

Dear Bloggers,

I find myself at a crossroads this morning, and this contributed to my tardiness in posting. I'm very sorry. Here's my current issue:

One of the things that I have been blessed and cursed with is a need to over plan. It has been a blessing to me, because I tend to have multiple contingency plans; therefore I'm rarely caught off guard. The moment I wake up, a list of tasks that I need to accomplish run through my head, I figure out the times that would help me finish these tasks at an appropriate rate, and then I mentally look at all the angles in my plans (what if this happen? Can I compensate by doing this? What will be the punishment if I cannot finish this task at the time I would like to?) then come up with multiple solutions to help me expedite everything in an efficient manner (that's why my suitcase was so heavy for the last post, I packed for every situation, including the Day of Reckoning... not really but I hope you all have caught on to my sense of humor).

The curse comes in for the fact that no matter how much I plan or give myself a certain margin of error, there will NEVER be an account for human error, or just life. When life finds a way to knock me off course (bus arriving 45 minutes late, going to pick up my cap and gown last year only to find out that I still had one more semester to account for, being asked to be the maid of honor at a friend's wedding, planning to use that money for wedding expenses only to realize that the money must go toward my last summer semester in college) I immediately become stuck in a sea of "tenses."

I begin to look at my past and try to see if there were any signs that showed that this might happen. I look at my present to figure out what's the most appropriate course of action I should take. My inner soothsayer looks at the future towards all the possible consequences. Within this sea of thought, I begin to feel as though I'm drowning. Unable to make a decision, for fear of making the wrong one. Want to push my life towards the goals I have desperately set aside for myself, only to be accosted by the unknown consequences that may lie ahead.

As of right now, this is my life. After finally graduating from college I was prepared to go through my life plan of doing a double Masters program (getting a MFA and my Masters in Publishing), then go on to work in a publishing company, and then soon begin to shape myself into the literary world I always known I was born to live in. However, this thing called life has shook me and pushed me back into my sea of tenses.

I see my reality, and can see my future so clearly, however, the steps to get there cause me to freeze. Each step is a good move to my future, but I find myself concerned about which step is the right one.

Now, for you, bloggers: I know that I must not be the only in these strenuous times that is paralyzed by fear of making a move, due to the fact that if you pick one job, or internship, it might go under due to the economy and then you're back home... like I am now. But, what I would like to encourage you all (while I encouraging myself) is that the only bad move to make, is no move.

Stay encouraged, and I will blog with you all on Monday. Have a great weekend!

No comments:

Post a Comment