Friday, April 24, 2009

Guilt and the Act of Forgiveness

Dear Bloggers,

This week, I've rehashed examples of people using the "good intentions" excuse for tasteless behavior. Even though this certain selection of people were missing their compassion notion (I guess maturity doesn't bring everything we ask for), I have had many family members, friends, and boyfriends that have helped me in the past. These people were able to help me grow when I began to shrink, move when I felt immobile, and smile when I wanted to cry. To these people, I will forever be indebted to you.

However, for the others, I had to undergo a landslide of issues to finally let go. However, I am able to wake up each morning, and be happy with myself, regardless of what "good intentions" people had that tried to make me feel the contrary. Miraculously I've been able to no longer feel animosity towards these people. I realized in life that no one is perfect, and you must have your own "good intentions" for yourself to help you through the day.

Two years ago, I did something that helped me with my own maturity and letting go. It might appear small, but even the littlest action can help you evolve past your own understanding. I wrote an entry about it, and will include it, hoping that it encourages you the same way it encourages me:

The human mind is an extraordinary tool. The amount of information that a person can store is astronomical. The brain was invented for us for positive reasons, but it seems like humans can turn any gift into a horrible monster.
I feel like I am Victor Frankenstein, too obsessed with the monsters I’ve spent so long to create, ignoring all good reason, and the heeds of my loved ones, just to learn that once my creatures have come to life, I always repel from them in horror and disgust.

A few weeks ago, I promised myself that I would forgive certain people in my life, the main one being my ex. I felt good, and I felt like I no longer held any type of animosity towards him. Oh, but how the creature disobeys my demands, and even when I try to bury it, it always come back.

For some reason, all of the anger, pain, and oddly enough, lust (concerning my ex) came back to me, and hit me full force. The same memories that I decided to let go, began to dance around in my head, to a melody that my brain was all too familiar with. I began to remember how my ex would hug me, kiss my forehead, and look at me with his sepia eyes. Then, to stop myself from yearning, I would think of how he would judge everything I ate, how he would lift up my shirt and grab for stomach fat and force me to watch. I would remember how our relationship was such a double standard, and how he would scold me sometimes. I would remember how I bought him many things, and how he never bought me anything. To counteract my feelings of lust and confusion, not love, because I never loved him, I bring up the same memories that I made a promise to forget. Before I realize it, my face is hot, and my mouth is shaped in a scowl. I’ll think of how I wanted to break up with him for months. How I would pray that he would break up with me, because I am too much of a nice person to actually hurt someone else’s feelings. How the sound of his name makes my hands inadvertently ball into fists, the same way how Pavlov’s dogs would salivate at the sounds of bells.

Then, the guilt trip comes along. I begin to feel guilty that I am dwelling on such a ridiculous thing, and I need to just be happy that I got what I prayed for, an end to a horrible situation. WHY am I spending so many neurons on him? Then, I begin to feel even more guilt on the fact that I’m STILL thinking on him, when I’ve made the promise that I will never think on him again.
The same thing goes along for the small amount of others that I’ve lost connections with
So, this morning, I figured that I would do something that would be beneficial to me. I deleted ALL of my old Facebook messages. I got rid of EVERY ONE OF THEM!! The good messages, the bad messages, the party invites, the group update messages; the message that I sent others, every single message was deleted.

As I deleted all of my messages, I began to grow envious of my inbox. There was no trash folder that the messages were sent to, that I could STILL have access to, and return them to my inbox folder. The moment I hit the button “delete,” the messages were no longer on my profile, my computer, or even remembered. I began to wish that one day; I could flush out all of the negative things that happened in my life, without the option of re-picking it up. I wish that one day, the monsters that I have named “Memories” could all just one day stay buried.


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