Friday, September 17, 2010

That Perfect Connection with an Imperfect Person

Dear Bloggers,

It's very hard to explain when you feel like you have found that perfect person, for the small fact that there are NO perfect people. No matter who is in your life, that person runs the gambit of disappointing you, from parents, siblings, friends, and significant others. After seeing so many of the people that are close to me being hurt by people who claimed that they loved them, I started thinking: "Why in the crap am I going to do that for?! A guaranteed hurt...? SCREW THAT!!" So, for years I resolved to think that in the future, it would be me, my adopted Cambodian daughter (little girls in Cambodia sometimes get sold into prostitution in childhood by their parents because poverty is epic there) and my cute little cat in my nice big New York loft.

For years I would get into relationships with guys fully knowing that I didn't love them, I never was going to, and I would NEVER walk down the aisle with them. Some would propose marriage, and some would declare love, and I wouldn't know what to say, so I reciprocated, thinking that one day, maybe I could learn to love them... or at the very least, tolerate them for the rest of my life. But, I knew that when all was said and done, it would be me, that Cambodian little girl, and a cat by ourselves, very happy. Honestly, I just didn't think that there was anyone out there for me, and I was fine with that.

My friends and family members used to try to convince me, "NO!!! THERE'S SOMEONE THERE FOR YOU!! HE'LL FIND YOU!!! DON'T WORRY!!" But the thing was, I wasn't worried. I was happy being single, and no one could tell me otherwise. Each relationship I previously was in ended, and one ended with me in therapy for emotional issues and an eating disorder, so why would I ever think that relationships worked? I knew that true love existed, I just thought that it didn't exist for me, and I was FINE WITH THAT!!

At the time I first became knowledgeable about my future husband, I thought nothing about him. I work as a publicist and book editor for Prioritybooks Publications, located in St. Louis, MO. I was living in Minnesota working another job, but doing freelance things for Prioritybooks. I was writing press releases and back covers at the time, and my husband and his aunt just released their second joint book "Caught in the Net of Deception." His aunt, the CEO emailed the book to me so I could read it and write an accurate press release for it. I read it, wrote the press release, emailed it back, and thought nothing of the young co-author.

When I moved back home, my publishing boss got me another job, on top of publishing that put me and my husband together (the afterschool job). On my first day, I had to interview my husband for a newspaper article I had to write on him to get more publicity for his latest book. The interview turned into a conversation, and I had fun talking to him. On our way to work, we continued our conversation, but I still didn't think too much about it though.

During our free time he would ask me things about myself, and, like this blog, I was completely open. Offering information about myself that could potentially drive him away. Letting my skeletons out my closet, removing bandages off of my wounds, and releasing all negative thoughts that still haunted my mind. Sure that all of this over share would scare him away, he kept on coming, asking more, and we continued to talk.

As I continued working at that school, and the people I worked with continued to be conniving and backstabbing, I felt like more and more of my negative side was coming out of me. You couldn't have told me otherwise that he wasn't going to run in the opposite direction!! But, on the contrary, he continued to run towards me.

After a while, I was TERRIFIED!!! Why wasn't he running?! Why didn't he just use me for my money?! The girl next door with the stupid glasses that begged for me to smack them off of her face seemed so desperate to be with him, why not just go with her?! Didn't he see me for who I was?! All the cracks, and jagged edges?! Didn't that scare him, and why in the heck not?!?! I began to realize that I was beginning to like him a lot, and that meant that he could hurt me, and if he did, could I recover? No one has ever affected me the way he did, so I wouldn't know how to handle him disappointing me,

One day, while talking to my sister Kelli on the phone about it, she told me: "You know, the same way how he has the potential to hurt you, you have that same possibility. You're not perfect, and you've hurt people too." For some reason, that really helped to alleviate some of my fears. As I knew that I was falling in love with him (how cheesy does that sound?!), what if I did something? What if I let him down?! What if a facet of my personalty shows that he wasn't expecting, and it hurt him?! I ran that same gambit.

Even today, every now and then I would get scared that he could hurt me, and the marriage could fail. I worry about letting him down, and not being able to be with someone I feel like I can't live my life without, even though I've lived soo many previous years without him. I'm terrified of being so vulnerable, and thinking that at any time it could be used against me.

But I learned that like my blog, no matter how many times I re-read, and edit (even though I'm slowly being known as a top book editor in St. Louis, thank you very much) there will always be mistakes. Cracks in the veneer to prove how imperfect I am, even though I try to be as immaculate as possible. Through it all, I still have people to read the blog, and I still have my husband. Imperfections and all. As we both try not to hurt each other, we both love those imperfections the other has, and that makes our connection the only perfect thing in my life.


See you Monday!!

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