Monday, September 20, 2010

Lies My Pregnancy Book Told Me

Dear Bloggers,

If there has ever been anything that's consistent with me, it's the fact that I'm a planner. I've been a planner my entire life. As crazy and neurotic as this sounds, the first thoughts that go through my head the MOMENT I wake up is: "Okay, so what do I have to do today? When can I do it?" Then, I break everything down by the time that it could possibly be broken down, and then prioritize it, and set it up by hours. For example: Breakfast from 9:00-9:30, showering 9:45-10:15, editing blank's assignment 10:30-12:00, lunch 12:30-so on. So, these are the crazy thoughts that go through my head, but it's so natural to me. Then, to top it all, I also factor in 28% of human error in my planning (what if I oversleep my alarm clock? What if Ed wants a big breakfast? What if I get sidetracked from that America's Next Top Model episode that I taped on my DVR?). I do all this to give me leeway so I'm never too caught off guard.

So, the moment I found out I was pregnant, I called my sister Amber. Amber, whose ADORABLE baby boy is about to turn one in about a month seemed like the perfect candidate for questions as I was preparing to go through this large change in my life. I got even more excited when she sent me a pregnancy book that she told me really helped her plan.

The moment I got the book in the mail, I opened it up like it was a gift on Christmas day, and started reading it ferociously. Hanging out with Ed, I was listening to him (kinda sorta) and reading. Talking to my mother, yep, I was reading. Watching America's Next Top Model? I'm sorry Tyra, but teaching girls how to "Smize" isn't helping me to push a baby out my woo-haa, ya know what I'm saying?! So, EVERYTHING came second place to that book, and I read it repeatedly to make sure that I got all the information down correctly. However, when began to go through things that only pregnant women went through, I WAS PISSED!!!

I did all this reading, all this planning, all this mental preparation, and I was SOO unprepared for my symptoms!! I wasn't expecting to feel so tired that standing up now seemed like an extreme sport to me!! I didn't realize that showering was going to now become painful because of the water pressure on certain... mammary appendages... Who knew that unlike swimming, I had to wait FOUR HOURS to lay down after eating, because even THIRTY MINUTES before that could cause me to run to the bathroom vomiting?!?! Oh, and the vomiting... WHO KNEW YOU COULD BURST FIVE BLOOD VESSELS FROM THE PRESSURE AND STRAIN THAT ALL THAT VOMITING PUT ON YOUR EYES?!?!?!?! Eyes bulging out, like I'm a character from "Reefer Madness..." ARE YOU KIDDING ME, PREGNANCY?!?!?!

Regardless, no matter how unprepared this... [expletive] book got me, I'm still happy that I'm going through these changes. As bizarre as pregnancy can be (me three weeks ago: "period of renewed health my [expletive]...") I know that life needs a larger percent of human error factored in than I could EVER plan.

This week, let's discuss!!


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